Funny quotes

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

Rodney Dangerfield

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

Dolly Parton

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my doctor, ‘I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills’ and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Rodney Dangerfield

I told my kids, ‘Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.’ One of them said, ‘So will you.’

Rodney Dangerfield

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

Zach Galifianakis

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

Rodney Dangerfield

If you read my blog, you know I’m a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

Zach Galifianakis

Freud: If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.

Robin Williams

I used to stutter really badly. Everybody thinks it’s funny. And it’s not funny. It’s not.

Joe Biden