Funny quotes

I shouldn’t tell jokes about my wife. she’s attached to a machine that keeps her alive… The refrigerator.

Rodney Dangerfield

The word ‘Spanx’ was funny. It made people laugh. No one ever forgot it.

Sara Blakely

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Rodney Dangerfield

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won’t let me plug it in.

Milton Berle

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

Rodney Dangerfield

I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life.

Zach Galifianakis

I don’t date women my age. There aren’t any.

Milton Berle

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid’s picture that came with the wallet he bought.

Rodney Dangerfield

I see fighters make funny videos about me and stick them on Facebook and get 20 likes. When I make a video, I sell it to Fox and make seven figures. That’s the difference.

Conor McGregor

Marrying means doing whatever possible to become repulsed of each other.

Arthur Schopenhauer