Funny quotes

It’s hard to be funny when you have to be clean.

Mae West

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

Rodney Dangerfield

America is a country of inventors, and the greatest of inventors are the newspaper men.

Alexander Graham Bell

With my wife, I don’t get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet.

Rodney Dangerfield

I myself grew up when radio was very important. I’d come home from school and turn on the radio. There were funny comedians and wonderful music, and there were plays. I used to pass time with radio.

Kurt Vonnegut

I’m on a seafood diet – I see food, I eat it.

Dolly Parton

You know you’re ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Rodney Dangerfield

Keith Richards is the only man who can make the Osbournes look Amish.

Robin Williams

I don’t think there’s just one person for everyone. It would be very hard for me to be with a guy who was not bright or funny. And he’d have to see the absurdities of the world, not exactly as I see them necessarily.

Erica Jong

The universe consists of 5% protons, 5% neutrons, 5% electrons and 85% morons.

Frank Zappa