W. C. Fields

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

W. C. Fields

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

W. C. Fields

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

W. C. Fields

After two days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

W. C. Fields

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

W. C. Fields

All my available funds are completely tied up in cash.

W. C. Fields

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

W. C. Fields

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

W. C. Fields

Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.

W. C. Fields

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

W. C. Fields