Milton Berle

Come on folks. I know you’re out there. I can hear you breathing.

Milton Berle

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it’s wrong.

Milton Berle

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn’t give her a fancy gift. And I didn’t.

Milton Berle

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Milton Berle

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

Milton Berle

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Milton Berle

Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.

Milton Berle

Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: ‘The Ferrari is paid for,’ ‘The mortgage is assumable,’ and ‘It’s just a cold sore!’

Milton Berle

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

Milton Berle

Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand – and they feel glorious.

Milton Berle